By Steve K.

The picture of the alcoholic personality in the book Alcoholics Anonymous (aka, the Big Book) is generally portrayed as selfish and self-centred (pages 60-62, 3rd edition). The ego is often demonised in spiritual literature and traditions and is even considered illusory within Buddhism. Religious and spiritual traditions often suggest a mixed message of surrendering and becoming free of self, while at the same time advocating the importance of self-love and compassion. (1)

Within the rooms of AA, having a ‘big ego’ at the same time as low self-esteem is often described by those attending meetings. While this description seems to be contradictory, it is well understood within the field of psychology as symptomatic of a weak ego.  An insecure self-concept is being compensated for by the creation of an over-inflated ego or false self. This is a defensive mechanism created by anxiety in relation to inadequacy and a lack of self-acceptance.

What is actually being described within the literature of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is fear-based selfishness and self-centredness. Bill Wilson, the co-founder of AA, primarily wrote the Big Book based upon his own experiences and that of his relatively wealthy, white male alcoholic friends within the Fellowship. Biographies of Wilson disclose that he had a difficult upbringing and suffered with underlying insecurity as a result.

There are a variety of character types suggested at times within AA literature, but the main portrait is of the fear-based controlling ego or of “self-will run riot.” An over-inflated ego was a problem for Bill W and his colleagues. But this is not so for all those within modern day AA, particularly many female members of the fellowship.

While we can all at times be selfish and controlling, many in AA don’t identify with this type of character description. While they do suffer with low self-esteem and a weak, insecure ego, they have different defensive strategies for coping with their sense of anxiety and low self-worth. They can tend towards passivity, ‘people pleasing’, and self-sacrifice in their attempt to be accepted and loved by others instead. They fear rejection (although they already feel rejected) and will avoid conflict at the cost of their integrity. Their distorted sense of self leads to a preoccupation with the rejected self; therefore, they too are sensitive and self-centred in their thinking.

There is an important distinction to be made between a ‘strong ego’ and a ‘big ego’. A strong ego is paradoxically humble and ‘right sized’. It’s secure, resilient, and able to regulate difficult emotions and experiences without the need for unhealthy defensive mechanisms. A secure sense of self has less need to be fearful, and therefore selfish. It operates instead from a place of abundance rather than scarcity. A strong ego has plenty to give to others from a healthy and secure position. It’s authentic in its relationships. Within the humanistic tradition it’s referred as the ‘true self’.

Recovery from addiction isn’t rejecting the self; it’s about practicing genuine self-love. We do this by building a strong, secure, resilient, healthy and accurate sense of ourselves. It’s developed through supportive relationships, increasing self-awareness, healthy self-discipline, and self-acceptance of who we truly are. We love and honour our authentic self in recovery.

The difference between self-love and selfishness is described well within the following passages…

“The mistake that we often make is that we equate self-care or self-love with selfishness.

Now of course there are forms of self-love “Narcissism” that are selfish, but genuine self-love is not selfish at all. The ancient Greeks considered self-love as the highest form of love. They believed that without it a person could not offer other forms of love in a positive sense. Self-care, true self love is not selfish. To be selfish means to act without any thought or consideration of others. This is why developing consideration for others is a primary spiritual practice of recovery. The practice of genuine self-love allows you to love your neighbour too, for you will love them as you love yourself.

We need to let go of the idea that loving ourselves truly as we are, warts and all is in any sense a selfish act. A selfish person is interested only in themselves and wants everything for themself; can see nothing but themself. A selfish person does not love themself too much, but too little. The truth is that a truly selfish person is incapable of loving others because they are seemingly unable to love themselves.

To truly love yourself is to follow that greatest commandment, it is to acknowledge that love is at the root of all that we are. If we do not love ourselves, then we cannot love our neighbour.”

Danny Crosby, Unitarian Minister.

“Self-care is never a selfish act—it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.

Taking care of ourselves, emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually is not a selfish act. In fact, I would suggest to not do so is actually more like selfishness. It is our responsibility in fact to take care of the life we have been given. Each life is unique and is there to be used for the purpose of all. To truly achieve this, we need to take care of ourselves and to express our joy in life. You see to be joyful, to be happy, is to express all that you are. To be all that you can be is not selfish, it is a true expression of love in all its forms.

It is what we are here for, and it inspires others to love both themselves and each other.”

Parker J Palmer, American Author and Activist.

In conclusion, the way to free ourselves of the fear-based selfishness or self-centredness often described in AA as a ‘big ego’ with low self-esteem, is by practicing self-respect and care for our authentic being.  We will then be able to give a non-possessive love to others. It is also a paradox that we develop self-love by practicing loving others too.

1. ‘The Religious Wisdom of Authentic Self-Love’. By John J. Thatamanil.