By Steve K.
Human beings have evolved with inherent needs for physical, psychological, emotional, social, and many would suggest, spiritual connection. If these needs are unmet, neglected, or abused in the developmental years of childhood and adolescence they often result in lifelong difficulties with interpersonal (with others), intrapersonal (within self), and transpersonal (beyond the self) relationships.
Feeling alienated in childhood and adolescence seems common to those of us in recovery from addiction, which doesn’t surprise me as often addicts/alcoholics have had less than perfect childhoods and have attachment difficulties as a result. Also, I think feelings of disconnection are probably quite common in the teenage years as it’s a difficult time of transition for most and existentially we’re all fundamentally alone and separate. Anxiety about our aloneness is apparently one of the four main existential human concerns.
However, many suggest not all addicts have had difficult childhoods etc and some in recovery say they felt loved and a part of when growing up. There are various interacting bio-psycho-social factors that lead to addiction and those who haven’t felt alienated throughout childhood and adolescence will have developed a problem with addiction due to their own unique mix of these influences. For example, some, I believe, just have a strong genetic predisposition to addiction, and when combined with a culture that encourages drinking etc, and where there’s abundant availability, addiction can develop.
I would add that I don’t think feeling alienated is an “excuse” for addiction, but it’s one of the many valid causal factors that can lead to it in those with other vulnerability. Not everyone who felt alienated or neglected growing up develops addiction problems and my response to this observation is that they were blessed with other resilient resources eg., genes, character traits and biology that are resistant to addiction.
Thinking about my own experience during my adolescent years I often felt lonely, neglected, and unloved growing up within an alcoholic home. These feelings of disconnection and unmet needs fuelled my relationship with alcohol and my first girlfriend. Due to my emotional insecurity I needed to get drunk at every opportunity in order to cope with trying to connect intimately with another human being. This wasn’t that difficult for me as my family lived in a public house where access to alcohol was easily available. I realise now that I struggled with interpersonal relationships as a result of my sense of intrapersonal disconnection. Inwardly, I felt cut off from love, joy, and happiness and my primary conscious feelings where of fear and anger. This led to very dysfunctional relationships with other people often characterised by conflict, aggression and rejection. This pattern of relating followed me into adulthood and later into my recovery from addiction.
These feelings of alienation compounded my sense of separateness existentially, which is an intrapersonal and transpersonal sense of our ultimate aloneness in the world. The experience of existential isolation “is part of the limitation of being human. An inability to accept this limitation can lead to neurotic, dependent, and symbiotic relational patterns.” (1) Within loving, supportive relationships we can learn to accept and fully connect to ourselves and our sense of separateness. This in turn allows us to develop the capacity to be emotionally independent and to apply healthy boundaries with others.
Recovery meetings that facilitate social connection, and a program of self-development psychologically, emotionally and spiritually, can help greatly in our efforts to connect to ourselves and others in an authentic and healthy way.
However, for this to occur we need the willingness and capacity to be very honest with ourselves and others. For me, this is a fundamental of the recovery process of change and growth. In order to feel truly connected within, between and beyond I must strive for relational authenticity and integrity. It’s the quality of the relationship with myself and others that’s important in terms of feeling whole and meeting my inherent social, emotional and spiritual needs.
The existentialist philosopher Martin Buber’s theory of I-It vs I-Thou relationships expresses the need for authenticity really well – if we are to feel genuinely connected. The I-It means of relating is superficial and lacks depth and meaning. It’s relating to others in an objectifying and mechanical way. This type of relationship is ultimately unsatisfying and we remain alienated in relation to It. By contrast, the I-Thou (or, “I-You”) relationship is from the heart and is meaningful. It requires a mutual sharing and a willingness to be vulnerable. A ‘way of being’ that includes respect and empathy for one another. I would suggest that the intimacy within authentic I-Thou relationships is connecting interpersonally, intrapersonally, and transpersonally.
I think that for those of us that feel disconnected within, sharing as honestly as we possibly can with others what we think, and, more importantly, what we feel, is essential for developing a greater sense of wholeness. According to Buber, we become whole through the quality of our relations with others. He also suggested that all authentic relationships ultimately bring us into connection with the Eternal Thou. (An ineffable “encounter” with spirituality)
In order to be authentic in relation to others in recovery meetings we need to practice trust and to feel safe. This requires a mutual willingness for group members to practice the ‘core conditions’ of empathy, non-judgemental acceptance and genuine openness with each other. A high ideal for many with a history of relationship dysfunction. However, the best recovery meetings often do come close to this ideal, and then we are provided with the opportunity to be real.
Applying Buber’s relational theory to 12 Step ‘fellowship’ and its ‘program’ of recovery is helpful for me. Recently I’ve been struggling with resentment primarily due to feeling disconnected and rejected in meetings. Historically I’ve suffered with these feelings and they’ve often caused me relationship difficulties as a result. My thinking tends to get hijacked because of these unresolved emotions and I then externalise them onto others. The “blame game” as we say in AA. This relational pattern is explained by Freud’s theory of Transference, which is the projection of past relationship issues into the present.
The shame, hurt and fear associated with my feelings of rejection and disconnection are often expressed through anger, rather than the more painful feelings underlying this cover emotion. This way of expressing myself is inauthentic to a degree and a strategy to avoid vulnerability. It tends to be a self-defeating behaviour as anger generally drives others away. The rare occasion when I’ve shown genuine vulnerability in recovery meetings has usually been met with love and support from others. Ironically, the risk of rejection is what prevents me from being more honest in meetings. Clearly showing vulnerability wasn’t wise during the developmental years of my past.
My solution to chronically feeling disconnected is to seek out supportive and empathic relationships with people who are secure in their relational patterns. These I-Thou relationships are not easy for us to find, although if we are lucky they do exist.
According to Buber we cannot force authentic I-Thou relationships. He suggests that they are a combination of “will and grace”. We are required to wait for the opportunity for authentic relationship with others and when it’s presented must have the courage and willingness to engage in it. If we are willing and ready the opportunity will come to us. The authentic relationship, where mutual vulnerability is present, is an “encounter” with the other, where those involved grow in the process of relating. We become fully human within the I-Thou relationship.
While I cannot force the opportunity to connect genuinely with others, I can seek out the right meetings, people and interests where opportunity is more likely to happen. In the meantime, I can work at being ready and willing in order to courageously and honestly meet and engage with grace.