By Steve K.

My struggle with acceptance often seems to be related to fear. I identify strongly with the passage in the book ‘Alcoholics Anonymous’ (aka, the Big Book)…

“This short word [fear] somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it.” (1)

I’ve been plagued with insecurity since adolescence, and it often manifests in my struggle to control events and worry about the future and life in general. As any psychologist will tell you, worrying about and trying to control things and outcomes is futile and results in emotional distress. It’s much better for one’s mental health and peace of mind to focus upon the present and engage fully in each moment. Worrying about the future prevents this as well as happiness and contentment.

Over time, I’ve learnt to reduce my anxiety by using strategies from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and the Stoic mantra the ‘Serenity Prayer’, which is often recited at the end of AA meetings.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

This suggestion of acceptance of things beyond our control and focus upon things that we have the power to change, and how we consider life events, goes back to the early Greek and Roman Stoics. The Stoics understood that ‘Fortune is a fickle mistress’, and that a person’s fate can change at any moment. In this respect, the story we tell ourselves about what happens to us plays an important role in how we respond to the difficulties we encounter in life. Our judgements and expectations in relation to life are the enemies of acceptance.

Cognitive-behavioural psychology is influenced by Stoicism and Buddhism and can provide us with the tools to practice acceptance in relation to ourselves, others, and life. In fact, an emphasis upon ‘unconditional acceptance’ is a core principle of Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy (REBT), which is an original form of CBT.

Many people practice a purely secular point of view when it comes to the principle of acceptance and in recent times the saying “it is what it is” has become popular and represents a type of ‘radical acceptance’ of events. Radical acceptance advocates ‘non-attachment’ or ‘non-judgement’ and avoids any narrative about what happens to us. This is not the same as not feeling emotions, to the contrary, it involves facing our difficult feelings and processing them in a healthy, self-regulating way. Painful feelings such as grief and loss are not transformed into further suffering by our judgements and expectations about them.

Radical acceptance, although beneficial, is not an easy practice. As human beings we are conditioned to believe certain things about life and what is good and bad. We also possess innate instincts that compel attachment to others, material safety and security.

Faith and Acceptance

What often seems to make acceptance of hardship easier for many is some type of religious or spiritual belief about life. Regardless of the truth of the believe, it often has a pragmatic effect upon the person’s ability to accept ‘life on life’s terms’. No doubt some beliefs of this type are defensive mechanisms protecting the person who holds them from facing harsh realities and painful feelings, but I don’t think this is necessarily the case.

This brings me to Step Three of the 12 Step program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

As a person in 12 Step recovery, I try to practice Step Three on a daily basis. How I interpret this Step doesn’t prevent me from facing reality in my view. As our relationship with the 12 Steps is personal, it’s important that I break down my understanding and practice of Step Three for the reader.

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.”

For me, this means humbly seeking guidance and direction in relation to my thinking and decision making (my will) from the highest part of my consciousness or being (the small quiet voice within) and from other trusted people (it’s often said that God/Good works through people) and listening for the right answer.. which usually intuitively resonates within me. I do practice prayer/meditation (affirmations of virtue/self-reflection) in my search for the right way forward and in relation to what I need to accept and what is possible and best to change.

I then practice trusting this guidance and direction and letting go of outcomes.

I must make clear that my practice of Step Three doesn’t exempt me from the difficulties of life or harsh realities. The “care of God” to me, just means trusting in the loving guidance and direction I’m given from within myself and by other people who have my best interests at heart. It’s trusting in sanity and moral virtue (the next right thing) and that I have the inner resources and resilience I need to cope and grow despite whatever comes my way.

My philosophy in relation to Step Three, I believe, helps me in my efforts to practice acceptance of myself, other people, and life on life’s terms. It helps me distinguish between the things that are outside of my control and those that are within my influence and power.. and that I should make efforts to change.

It provides me with the courage and necessary wisdom I need to oppose fear, face life, and practice doing the next right thing. It could be said that that my perspective in relation to Step Three is humanistic and primarily rational. I think that would be a reasonably fair assessment, but it’s also broadly spiritual in nature and taps into the belief in the goodness and love found at the centre of the human spirit or consciousness.

The following two passages in relation to God, prayer, and meditation will hopefully expand upon my beliefs in relation to these three aspects of spirituality..

The God Word

“Whilst I respect that many AA members believe in a God of their understanding, I cannot conceive of a supernatural being that resides in the sky, has human characteristics, especially those of the male gender, and organises me and everyone else as if it were a master puppeteer. And yet I have no difficulty in accepting a power greater than myself, and that such acceptance is vital to my continued recovery. I guess that makes me agnostic, but I don’t like to be defined by labels, although I do use it when in the presence of someone who is struggling to find a power greater than themselves.

The power of the AA group is undoubtedly greater than myself, and involvement with this power is vital to my continued recovery: as Aristotle said: “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts”. But in my daily life outside of meetings, and indeed to practice the “God Steps”, I need a different conception of a power greater than myself. On page 55 of the Big Book, it says: “We found the great reality deep down within us”. Through the practice of daily meditation I sense, beneath the mental chatter and the fleeting bodily feelings, a deep sense of calm and peace, from which I draw strength to be able to deal with all that occurs in my daily life (“the power to carry it out”, as it says in Step 11). This I identify as my true nature, which is common to all of us. It is also, for me, the great reality that is referred to in the Big Book, is beyond all concepts and labels, and defies all attempts at description.”

“The ‘God’ Word: Agnostic and Atheist Members in AA”, pamphlet by AA General Service Conference in Great Britain.

Buddhist Prayer

“Buddhist prayer is a practice to awaken our inherent inner capacities of strength, compassion, and wisdom rather than to petition external forces based on fear, idolizing, and worldly and/or heavenly gain. Buddhist prayer is a form of meditation; it is a practice of inner reconditioning. Buddhist prayer replaces the negative with the virtuous and points us to the blessings of life.

For Buddhists, prayer expresses an aspiration to pull something into one’s life, like some new energy or purifying influence and share it with all beings. Likewise, prayer inspires our hearts towards wisdom and compassion for others and ourselves. It allows us to turn our hearts and minds to the beneficial, rousing our thoughts and actions towards Awakening. If we believe in something enough, it will take hold of us. In other words, believing in it, we will become what we believe.”

Experiencing Spirituality, p.228, by Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketcham.

1. ‘Alcoholics Anonymous’, 3^rd edition, p.67.