While I’m committed to the practise of spiritual principles as a part of my recovery from alcohol and drug addiction, the emphasis within Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) on being accepting, compassionate, tolerant and loving etc and of “practising these principles in all our affairs”, combined with literal interpretation of fellowship literature, can lead to unrealistic expectations of ourselves and potentially harmful consequences.
The inventory Steps are big on taking personal responsibility for our feelings and behaviour, encouraging us to look at “our part” in things. In general, this is a good practice and I personally find it helpful in my day to day recovery. However, balance can get lost in this process and we can be persuaded to deny legitimate hurt and angry feelings in response to other’s behaviour, past wounds, or adverse circumstances.
Through the emphasis upon practising spiritual principles we can be encouraged to dismiss our darker feelings which can lead to unhealthy repression. We often need to experience and work through a natural process of “negative feelings” before reaching more positive states of being, such as, acceptance and forgiveness.
The following quotes from the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p.92 & 95, are examples of AA literature which encourage the denial of our anger etc, or to feel defective for having these types of feelings.
“It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are angry, we are in the wrong also.”
“It is pointless to become angry, or to get hurt by people who, like us, are suffering from the pains of growing up.”
Anyone familiar with these passages from the well-known AA spiritually based book should be mindful of their encouragement to practise “spiritual bypassing”. This involves denying or avoiding our darker or “shadow” feelings and instincts and disingenuously responding to all things in life with acceptance and compassion. So called “negative” and painful feelings need to be experienced as well as our more positive and enjoyable feelings in order to be fully human. Repressing painful feelings can lead us to self-destructive behaviour.
“Spiritual bypassing is a very persistent shadow of spirituality, manifesting in many ways, often without being acknowledged as such. Aspects of spiritual bypassing include exaggerated detachment, emotional numbing and repression, overemphasis on the positive, anger-phobia, blind or overly tolerant compassion, weak or too porous boundaries, lopsided development (cognitive intelligence often being far ahead of emotional and moral intelligence), debilitating judgment about one’s negativity or shadow elements, devaluation of the personal relative to the spiritual, and delusions of having arrived at a higher level of being.” (1)
We need to feel and experience, and discharge in healthy ways, all aspects of our human being, and not incongruously try and be some spiritual ideal.
The spiritual axiom quote above assumes that whenever we are disturbed, angry, upset etc, no matter what the cause, there’s something wrong with us. There’s nothing wrong with having normal human emotions. You’ll always be aiming too high spiritually by denying them. I’m not advocating dwelling upon blaming others, but being authentic and owning all our feelings, not just the positive ones.
AA literature assumes that all alcoholics are excessive in relation to their natural instincts and negative feelings, and therefore aren’t competent to handle feeling hurt or angry etc, no matter what the reason. Although there maybe some validity in this presumption, it’s an unhealthy message in general and can be damaging to vulnerable individuals. It’s natural to feel hurt if we’ve been hurt and we need to experience and express the associated feelings. However, it’s important that we discharge our feelings healthily and we can all learn to experience and express them in a mature and constructive manner, which takes responsibility and ownership of them, and does no harm to others.
It’s the absolutism (applied by some), in relation to spiritual principles and practices that can be damaging in my opinion. It can lead to sponsors in the AA fellowship suggesting to sponsees “to look at their part” in examples of abuse etc. This is clearly inappropriate and a misguided and harmful application of the inventory process.
In order to become whole and healthy in our recovery we must face and experience all parts of our human nature, both dark and light, and not try and avoid unpleasant feelings through a spiritual quick fix. This strategy to make ourselves feel better is no different than addictively using substances in an effort to avoid the pain of life. True spirituality embraces all aspects of our humanness and by doing so we grow and fulfil our potential as the thinking, feeling, moral and spiritual creatures that we are.
“In the facing and outgrowing of spiritual bypassing, we enter a deeper life—a life of full-blooded integrity, depth, love, and sanity; a life of authenticity on every level; a life in which the personal, interpersonal, and transpersonal are all honored and lived to the fullest.” (2)