By Steve K

In the context of 12 Step recovery “relational sponsorship” is an ongoing recovery-based relationship that supports humility, accountability, and spiritual discernment through honest dialogue rather than authority or instruction. It’s a form a sponsorship that sometimes follows an initial introduction to the 12 Steps.

It’s not written anywhere within the literature of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) that members of the Fellowship are expected to have an ongoing relationship with a sponsor. There is no guideline published by GSO or conference in this respect. However, a thorough understanding of AA’s program of recovery, particularly Steps 10, 11, and 12, which are commonly understood as the ‘maintenance’ and ‘growth’ Steps, implies the ongoing practice of these principles and therefore some relational accountability.

Step Ten:

 “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.”

If we are going to commit to this practice on a long-term basis we need someone else to help us with this ongoing inventory process. As suggested in Step Five: “we usually find a solitary self-appraisal insufficient”.

Step Ten explicitly states: “Continued to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone.”  Alcoholics Anonymous, p.84, 3^rd ed.

This passage implies ongoing relational accountability morally, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually. All human beings are prone to self-deception, blind spots, and rationalisation. We need someone outside of ourselves to help overcome our ego’s defensiveness and false pride. Humble men and women throughout history have recognised this human fallibility and sort wise counsel and direction from others.

Bill Wilson, AA co-founder, recognised this truth. Although, he didn’t have a life-long sponsorship relationship in the formal sense (Ebby T was not reliable), he did engage transparently with various peers, mentors, professionals, and spiritual advisers throughout his life. E.g., he made himself accountable to and took direction from Sam Shoemaker, Dr Silkworth, Dr Bob, psychoanalyst Dr Harry Tiebout, Father Ed Dowling, and the AA Fellowship.

Bill engaged in self-disclosure and sort feedback from trusted friends, mentors, and professionals until his death in 1971. He exemplified this practice for others seeking moral, psychological, emotional, and spiritual lifelong growth. While Bill distributed this type of relational accountability informally among a number of people—modern 12 Step recovery culture has evolved into the practice of long-term ‘sponsorship’ relationships with specific people who are usually in recovery themselves. As with everything in the AA fellowship, this type of ongoing relationship to help with the practice of Steps 10, 11, and 12 (which encompass all 12 Steps) is a purely voluntary arrangement and practice.

It has also become increasingly common for formal sponsorship relationships to end or become inactive once a sponsee has been initially guided through the 12 Steps. This is a personal decision for those who decide they no longer need this type of guidance and accountability to a particularly individual in relation to the AA program. Referring to the AA primary texts, while it’s not suggested that an ongoing formal sponsorship relationship is necessary, there is explicit direction regarding ongoing relational accountability. What form this takes is left up to the individual.

In respect of Steps 10, 11, and 12, I choose to maintain an ongoing active relationship with a particular sponsor who knows me, my history, and behaviour patterns really well. I trust his guidance, his right to challenge me, and feedback, although I take full responsibility for my own decisions. I also share honestly with other trusted friends who understand 12 Step recovery principles. This type of accountability prevents ‘self-will’ running riot in my life and helps me grow as a human being.

While I respect an individual’s choice to not engage in an ongoing sponsorship relationship, when I agree to sponsor someone, the expectation is an active partnership in relation to the 12 Steps. An inactive relationship lacks integrity and becomes sponsorship in name only— which for me is dishonest.

What follows is my own sponsorship philosophy grounded in Steps 10, 11, and 12 that is coherent, historically faithful, and non-authoritarian:

Foundational principle

‘Relational sponsorship exists to support the lifelong practice of humility, not just the completion of the Steps.’

Step Ten

Represents sponsorship as a mirror, not a manager. It is relational feedback.

The sponsor’s role is to:

help the sponsee notice blind spots,

reflect patterns of resentment, fear, and self-justification,

encourage prompt admission of wrongs,

ask questions that challenge rationalisation and self-deception,

model ongoing inventory.

What it is not:

moral policing,

psychological analysis,

advice-giving by default,

authority/control over decision-making.

Expectation:

Regular check-ins to discuss current resentments, interpersonal conflicts, and emotional reactions, where ego, fear, dishonesty, or self-will may be present.

If that’s not happening, the sponsorship isn’t active.

Step Eleven

Sponsorship as support for spiritual listening.

The sponsor:

does not define the sponsee’s Higher Power,

does not prescribe spiritual experiences,

does not claim insight into God’s will.

Instead, the sponsor:

encourages prayer, meditation, and reflection,

helps the sponsee distinguish ego impulse from spiritual principle and guidance,

invites humility around uncertainty,

reminds the sponsee they don’t have to know.

Expectation:

We speak honestly about:

confusion

doubt

fear of not knowing

attempts to control outcomes

reliance on self vs trust in something greater.

Step Twelve

Sponsorship as mutual accountability in service.

The sponsor:

encourages service that is relational, not ego-driven,

asks about motives for helping,

notices rescuing behaviour,

model’s boundaries in relation to helping others,

points out when service becomes avoidance.

The sponsor also remains:

open to learning from the sponsee,

willing to admit their own mistakes,

accountable for how they use influence.

Expectation:

Sponsorship is not one-way. It is:

mutual honesty

shared humility

reciprocal growth.

Boundaries and honesty

A key part of this philosophy is truth-telling about the relationship itself.

If engagement stops, sponsorship stops. Honesty replaces fiction.

This prevents:

Resentment,

spiritual pretence,

false accountability.

Like Bill Wilson, I believe that ongoing and active relational accountability is necessary for maintenance and growth in respect of the 12 Step program of recovery. Personal transparency and accountability are vital to the practice of humility in all our affairs. The AA program was designed to keep us working towards emotional sobriety and spiritual health and the following passage warns us against the perils of not doing so.

“AA is not a plan for recovery that can be finished and done with. It is a way of life, and the challenge contained in its principles is great enough to keep any human being striving for as long as he lives. We do not, cannot, outgrow this plan. As arrested alcoholics, we must have a program for living that allows for limitless expansion. Keeping one foot in front of the other is essential for maintaining our arrestment. Others may idol in a retrogressive groove without too much danger, but retrogression can spell death for us. However, this isn’t as rough as it sounds, as we become grateful for the necessity that makes us toe the line, and we find that we are compensated for a consistent effort by the countless dividends we receive.”

‘Alcoholics Anonymous’, p.275, 3^rd ed.