By Steve K.

My struggle with acceptance often seems to be related to fear. I identify strongly with this passage in the Big Book:

“This short word [fear] somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it.” 

I’ve been plagued with insecurity since adolescence, and it often manifests in my struggle to control events and worry about the future and life in general. As any psychologist will tell you, worrying about and trying to control things and outcomes is futile and results in emotional distress. It’s much better for one’s mental health and peace of mind to focus upon the present and engage fully in each moment. Worrying about the future prevents this as well as happiness and contentment.

Over time, I’ve learnt to reduce my anxiety by using the ‘Serenity Prayer’, which is often recited at the end of AA meetings.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

This suggestion of acceptance of things beyond our control and focus upon things that we have the power to change, and how we consider life events, goes back to the early Greek and Roman Stoics. The Stoics understood that ‘Fortune is a fickle mistress’, and that a person’s fate can change at any moment. In this respect, the story we tell ourselves about what happens to us plays an important role in how we respond to the difficulties we encounter in life. Our judgements and expectations in relation to life are the enemies of acceptance.

Many people practice a purely secular point of view when it comes to the principle of acceptance and in recent times the saying “it is what it is” has become popular and represents a type of ‘radical acceptance’ of events. Radical acceptance advocates ‘non-attachment’ or ‘non-judgement’ and avoids any narrative about what happens to us. This is not the same as not feeling emotions, to the contrary, it involves facing our difficult feelings and processing them in a healthy, self-regulating way. Painful feelings such as grief and loss are not transformed into further suffering by our judgements and expectations about them.

Radical acceptance, although beneficial, is not an easy practice. As human beings we are conditioned to believe certain things about life and what is good and bad. We also possess innate instincts that compel attachment to others, material safety and security.

Faith and Acceptance

What often seems to make acceptance of hardship easier for many of us is some type of religious or spiritual belief about life. Regardless of the truth of the belief, it often has a pragmatic effect upon the person’s ability to accept “life on life’s terms.”

This brings me to Step Three of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I try to practice Step Three on a daily basis. How I interpret this Step doesn’t prevent me from facing reality in my view. As our relationship with the 12 Steps is personal, it’s important that I break down my understanding and practice of Step Three for the reader.

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.”

For me, this means humbly seeking guidance and direction in relation to my thinking and decision making (‘my will’) from the highest part of my consciousness or being (‘the small quiet voice within’) and from other trusted people (it’s often said that God/Good works through people) and listening for the right answer – which usually intuitively resonates within me. I practice prayer and meditation in my search for the right way forward and in relation to what I need to accept and what is possible and best to change.

I then practice trusting this guidance and direction and letting go of outcomes.

I must make clear that my practice of Step Three doesn’t exempt me from the difficulties of life or harsh realities. The “care of God” to me, just means trusting in the loving guidance and direction I’m given from within myself and by other people who have my best interests at heart. It’s trusting in sanity and moral virtue (‘the next right thing’) and that I have the inner resources and resilience I need to cope and grow despite whatever comes my way.

My philosophy in relation to Step Three, I believe, helps me in my efforts to practice acceptance of myself, other people, and life on life’s terms. It helps me distinguish between the things that are outside of my control and those that are within my influence and power and that I should make efforts to change.

It provides me with the courage and necessary wisdom I need to oppose fear, face life, and practice doing the next right thing. It could be said that my perspective in relation to Step Three is humanistic and primarily rational. I think that would be a reasonably fair assessment, but it’s also broadly spiritual in nature and taps into the belief in the goodness and love found at the centre of the human spirit.