By Steve K

In relation to recovery from addiction, letting go of resentments, including feelings of hurt, anger, bitterness, and blame, is especially important, as they can often lead to a return to drinking, using, and other forms of destructive or addictive behaviour. Resentments isolate us from others through self-absorbed bitterness and a closed heart. Spiritually, we are shut off from “the sunlight of the spirit”.  (Alcoholics Anonymous, 3^rd ed, p. 66)

The following four-step process can help in reframing unhelpful beliefs and in letting go of toxic resentments.

“Hurt and betrayal create anger and rage, along with a story of what happened that justifies our anger and rage.” (Berger, 2021, p.230)

Anger and resentment towards another can be diminished by adopting a particular mindset, which includes developing humility, empathy, and compassion towards the offending person. To fully release feelings of resentment, it is also necessary to unpack our grievance and envision a new story in relation to it. Dr Fred Luskin outlines a four-step process in this respect. He found that a grievance was the result of four experiences:

1. Taking things too personally.

2. Blaming another for our feelings of distress, hurt and anger.

3. A “grievance story”.

4. A perceived violation of our “unenforceable rules” and “should demands”.

• The first step in releasing a grievance requires that we not take an offense personally. We must learn to separate the subjective experience of an offense from the objective behaviour of the offender. Even though the offense happened to you (subjective), it is not about you; it’s about the offender (objective). What people say and do is ultimately about them, not you.

• The second step in releasing a grievance requires us to own our feelings and to surrender blaming other people for them. In the end, we are responsible for our feelings despite the harmful behaviour of another. Our feelings belong to us. The reality that different people respond in different ways to the same stimulus is the basis for this assertion and the cognitive-behavioural theory that underpins it. Our response to situations and events is the result of our expectations and beliefs about what happens to us. “Men are disturbed, not by things, but by the principles and notions which they form concerning things.” — Epictetus

Taking responsibility for our feelings is a fundamental requirement of emotional sobriety. However, I would advise using sensitivity, discretion, and compassion in the application of this principle — particularly in relation to supporting individuals who’ve been grievously abused and wounded by others. Feeling hurt, upset, and angry in relation to another person’s hurtful or abusive behaviour towards us is natural. It becomes unhealthy and harmful, though, when we hold onto and replay these bitter feelings over months and years. We are responsible for letting go at some point for our own physical, mental, and spiritual wellbeing and happiness.

In relation to 12 Step recovery and its inventory process, it’s helpful to see our resentment as the wrong, not necessarily the original hurt or angry feelings in response to others’ behaviour. We may have justifiably felt hurt or angry, but holding onto these emotions constricts our capacity for love, compassion, and empathy for the other person’s humanity.

• The third step in relinquishing a grievance is the creation of a “new story” about what has happened to us. Narratives such as “life is unfair” can lead to a victim mindset, which creates self-pity and a sense of disempowerment. It is possible to reframe our victim story, cultivating a more accepting and philosophical attitude towards the “unfortunate” or harmful events.

• The fourth step in letting go of a grievance is the realisation that life and people are imperfect and cannot be forced to adhere to our demands and expectations. We become aware of the egocentric nature and futility of our “unenforceable rules”. In his book 12 Essential Insights for Emotional Sobriety, Dr Alan Berger identifies that at the heart of forgiveness is the letting go of our expectations and unenforceable rules. He explains that forgiveness is a skill we can practice, although we need to be psychologically ready to do so.

The practice of forgiveness towards others is a vital aspect of letting go of our bitterness and resentment. Forgiveness is often a process that requires ongoing work on our part and a willingness to open the heart towards those we hold resentment against.

An attitude of willingness for this emotional and spiritual work, humility in respect of our own faults and weaknesses, and compassion and empathy towards those we hold resentment against will eventually bring us to forgiveness and restore our connection in both human and spiritual terms.